You, Ultimi Silicone do not in fact vibe...

I don’t normally purchase toys online. I prefer to go to the store, have the store rep put batteries in it and turn it on, place it against the sensitive part of my inner arm and say “It has multiple speeds ranging from low, medium and holy shit.” So needless to say I was excited when I bought my first vibrator online a few weeks ago.

Ultimi Silicone Vibe 

I’m in college, president of my sorority's chapter and a student organization. In both, I hold several officer positions and sit on several different committees as well as a part of a poly family that demands a huge chunk of my time. Between delegating, organizing, panel discussions, studying, snuggling, mediating and remembering I need food, I get really stressed. I was sure the Ultimi silicone vibe would be a quick and easy way to relief.

I have never been more wrong.

First of all, the packaging makes this toy difficult to get to.

Like most wasteful companies in the U.S., they put this small 10x2 box inside of giant bubble wrap inside of a bigger box. So when they delivered it and I wasn’t home, they couldn’t leave it in the mailbox. Now I understand that they’re being considerate and all that but this toy was literally super cheap. I wouldn’t lose sleep if someone stole it… Truth be told, they wouldn’t have use for it. But I had to go to the post office, wait in line, deal with passive aggressive post women who apparently hate their job, sign off on it just to get it home. Only to find out that batteries weren’t included (not that I was expecting it but it also didn’t say so on the box or the website).

Secondly, I finally acquire batteries, right? I get home early from hanging with the poly family and I’m ready to get down. And I go all out when I have self sexy time. I take an extra long theraputic shower, burn oils, play my favorite slow jams (usually "In the dark" by Omarion. It's a nostalgia thing...), get my favorite porn queued up (for inspiration if I need it), you know, the works. I turn the vibrator on and can barely feel the vibrations.

What’s annoying about this is that it has 10, you read right T E N, different speeds but you can’t feel any of them! I had to position it just right to get the sensation necessary and when I did, I had to press it down. Which bothers me because personally, when I have to do that it makes my climax feel forced, like a bodily reaction to stimuli instead of 'wow that was awesome'. I mean I finish but it’s not earth shattering. And if it’s not earth shattering, what’s the point?? 

GO HARD OR GO HOME Ultimi. I don’t want to feel like I’m having sex with a novice so why would I psyche myself out???

And on top of ALL of that, 7 out of the 10 speeds are U S E L E S S. It’s various pulses and speeds but they do nothing but trick my vagina. I can appreciate a tease but a trick? No. I like hard constant speeds that increases in intensity. I barely like it when someone is going down on me and switches the rhythm their tongue was moving. Don't get me wrong, different rhythms aren't always bad but they are literally sporadic they don't work together towards the greater good that is my pleasure.

It is sleek and waterproof. It also gets the job done if mediocrity is your thing. But I will not be recommending this to anyone I know. 2 stars out of 5 Utimi. 

DO BETTER.