The things you find online...

I decided I was going to blog about slang terms for masturbation because I love words and euphemisms. I love it when people are clever and witty and even more so can tell me where the origin of those words and turns of phrases they use come from. I also thought it would be a great way to keep National Masturbation Month fun and interesting but what I got was a whole bunch of sadness and sexism.

Of course I used the google machine because I'm still considered a millennial and research is a drag if I don't have to do it. And of course I stumbled on Urban Dictionary: the best and worst place to get what's hip, dope and happening with the kids these days. While sometimes I find it quite helpful when looking up things like yolo and U.N.E.N.O., it also functions like an actual dictionary with multiple definitions and example sentences (I wonder how parents haven't found this yet). It really is something special. When it works...

But it's also very telling of our up and coming generations in regards to what they value, what they're learning form/teaching each other, how far we've come in social justice, social agency and equity. It's so fascinating that I can look up something as simple as 'slang terms for masturbate' and get all of that from a google result. My find, you ask?

I am so sad for the world you guys... 

At first I was amused and my inner teenage self was already formulating ways to either work these phrases into conversations or manufacture conversation in which these phrases would be my responses (my inner child is aged between 12 to 17 years old). It included the classics like choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, bopping the bologna, cleaning your rifle, fisting your mister, polishing the rocket, just to name a few. 

You're probably reveled up in laughter or really highly pissed (or ambivalent, I don't know your life!) Either way, what's disturbing about all these phrases is that they're all referring to a penis being involved in some manner. It doesn't take a scientist to point out the phallic symbolism here... 

So basically what I got from this search is that only those who have penis's can/should/do masturbate. 

What prompted this was my sister writing "flick the bean" underneath my initial blog about masturbation. That phrase is kinda funny but it's still indicative to only a certain type of person with a specific set of genitalia. One of the main reasons certain actions and behaviors are frowned upon has a lot to do with the language we use surrounding it coupled with our knowledge and understanding of that behavior or activity. Beneath all these lovely (and by lovely I mean WHATTHEFUCKINGFUCK) terms were examples on how one masturbates. Brace yourself, this could get ugly: 

Definition 8: 

MEN: to slowly (or quickly) rub your penis until white stuff appears. Feels really good. 

WOMEN: to rub your vagina or clitoris. 

You can use dildos and vibrators, too. 

Takes longer than men

Do it in private please!

...

First of all: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

Reading these definitions were painful as hell. To know that there's some kid somewhere reading this somewhere believing this to be fact and telling their friends... And kids these days have SO MUCH ACCESS TO THE INTERNET with no advisory!!!!

One of the definitions even said that doing it too much causes heart attacks. C'MON! I just blogged about this.

Secondly, why so much transphobia?! I don't expect these kids to know any better but why hasn't people at least started teaching the basics about gender? NOT ALL MEN HAVE PENISES AND NOT ALL WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS. I just want to yell this in the face of so many people... If only they know the damage they were doing by perpetuating these kinds of conversations. I would've been totally fine with just basic instructions, gender aside. Not only men and women are looking up masturbation in search of how to get their feel good on. People also don't't get on the computer to be met with ignorance and hate speech but whatever, I'm fucking drunk... 

Third, can we talk about these instructions? "Rub your vagina or clitoris"? 

Allow me to take y'all to health class real quick... 

Do you see where that line is pointing that says vagina? Why would you rub that knowing there's something made for your pleasure? L I T E R A L L Y. I mean sure, rub whatever feels good to you but I went to nursing school and we talked about the clitoris for a bit. The clitoris is literally a bundle of nerves that serves no other purpose than to send pleasure censors throughout the body. DO NOT RUB YOUR VAGINA. There's also a huge misconception that all of what's being displayed in this image is called the vagina. CORRECTION. It's called a vulva and it consists of your vaginal opening. Even if there were only men and women in the world, we're still teaching the wrong shit...

Best part of that entire tutorial was the "takes longer than men" tidbit. Stop... I just actually cannot anymore... Here's a little something I scooped from Brown University's Health promotion: 

"You may have heard that it takes a lot longer for women to reach orgasm than it does for men. This is not entirely true. During masturbation, women and men reach orgasm in very similar amounts of time. On average, women reach orgasm in a little less than four minutes. For men the average time is between two and three minutes. The difference in the time it takes women and men to reach orgasm during foreplay and vaginal intercourse is greater. On average, it takes women 10-20 minutes to reach orgasm. Men reach orgasm after 7-14 minutes overall, but average two to three minutes after beginning intercourse."(educate yoself!)

Basically there's no difference in the time it takes for one to reach orgasm as it relates to gender. It honestly varies from person to person and your level of know-how. Mixed with a slew of other things but I digress. Really what's different is the muscles involved so please stop saying this. 

If I had to take the wildest of guesses I would say our author of this fine tutorial is identified as white, cisgender man, maybe doesn't actually know what's going on down there but...

...that is absolutely not my place to say or assume... 

All in all, let's start a new fun way of expressing this term. What I came across wasn't all bad. I saw manual override, teasing the weasel, walking the dog (which may or may not be problematic) and corking the bat. We don't have to come up with anything new and fun or anything to mask and cover what we do with ourselves. What I'm saying is that if we're going to continue this trend, why not reel some people in? Not shame them, tell them where to do it, how to do, what parts go where and all that. Do it how you feel, do it safely or don't do it at all.